Learning how to be Patient with my 79yr old mom who is recovering from a stroke was difficult. Mainly because both of us had been in denial about her declining health for a couple of years now and we were taken for surprise at how quickly her life changed.
My mom and I have a dysfunctional relationship. For as long as I can remember, since migrating to the US to join her at age 9, I have felt more like the "care-giver" in a way. In retrospect, I believe that my mother's sudden desire to have me join her, was more for the "help" that she required for my soon to be born baby half-brother. In addition to baby-sitting and housework, as soon as I was about 11, I was handling bill-payment, reading and writing documents on her behalf (my mom's big sad secret was that she was a functioning illiterate) and generally taking care of the household while she worked 2 or 3 jobs. Throughout my entire time living at home, my mom and I never connected on any loving mother-daughter level. In fact, she has never ever, said she loved me or showed me any of the physical affection she showered on my younger brother. Coupled with her inability to protect me from molestation at a young age, I have carried a lifetime of resentment and pent up anger towards her, which I never voiced.
Fortunately, before she became ill, I actually had to come to terms with the fact that she was older and there was no point in continuing my long held feelings of anger and frustration over old hurts. Through words of wisdom from my new hairdresser who went through similar issues with her mom and said to me "your mom did the best she knew how". I was able to "let it go" just in the nick of time. That freed me and enabled me to just deal with the present. By the time my mom had her stroke, I was already in a mostly peaceful place towards her where I could take care of her without the added burden of residual resentment.
As she continues to decline physically, her mind and memory is rapidly declining as well. This is where I am employing the patience required to deal with elderly suffering from alzheimers, dementia, memory loss. I have learned to no longer say "you just asked me that" or "don't you remember"... I just repeat the answer to the question asked the 4th or 5th time in within 10 minutes. My mom is about to be placed in a nursing home...most likely where she will be until the end. The sadness of the long goodbye is unbearable. She cries often, when she has moments of clear lucidity and knows the end is near. Her sadness overtakes me when I visit, but I put on a forced happiness and try my best to make her smile with everyday chatter. I do have love for her as my mother, but even now with the understanding I have and the forgiveness for the past, neither of us can say the words "I love you". My mothers feeling towards loving her children is that she showed it by the actions of taking care of us when we were young or giving us money when we needed it. As a result, my way of showing her love is in the patience I give her now which is more than a "virtue"; it is a warm blanket substituting for love.
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